Who else wants to improve communication with his wife?
In the best of times, communication is so easy and smooth you don’t even know it’s happening. In the worst of times, it’s like wading through a murky river. It’s not if you step on something dangerous, it’s when!
Below you’ll find 4 communication tactics that if you deploy them on a regular basis, the communication with your wife—as well as the feeling of good-will between you—will improve.
You’ll notice that they are all ‘I’ statements. Because I is the subject, it communicates a direct ownership of everything that comes after it. No beating around the bush. This is a very masculine approach to communication. (Though it’s not ALWAYS the most appropriate approach.)
Look for what you like in your wife. What does she do that you like, that you think is good for her, or you, or the family? What do you admire about your wife?
Simple, right? It is! But don’t let that simplicity betray its power. If you can consistently look for what you admire in your wife, then two things will happen.
- Your wife will feel appreciated. Her self-worth and self-concept will improve. This is a win for her, for you, and for your kids.
- You will start to see more of what you like about your wife. There is a part of your brain called the Reticular Activating System that acts as a search engine. It will look for and find whatever it is you think about.
So how do you implement this?
Simple, just ask yourself this question, “What can I admire about my wife today?”
Ask that to yourself every day, and every day you will get an answer.
When you answer, tell your wife! That cannot be overstated. You know how sometimes she expects you to be a mind reader? Well, she’s not one either. So tell her.
“I really admire how patient you were with this kids this afternoon.”
“I admire how much care you take in the garden.”
Tell her in a small, quiet moment where you can make eye contact, deliver your message and then leave. You’re not there to be validated for your communication. So say it honestly, sincerely, and then leave.
I am grateful for…
A habit of gratitude is the biggest needle-mover in terms of improving your own experience of the world. If you can find something to be grateful for every day, then you will experience more joy and happiness in your life. Guaranteed.
And what would that do to your marriage? If you could find something to be grateful for, even when times are tough, how would that change your marriage?
So here’s another question for your communication arsenal: “What can I find to be grateful for about my wife today?”
When you deliver it, you want to deliver it the same way. Short and sweet, but sincere. Then leave. You’re not looking for a ‘thank you’ or any sort of validation from her. (If you are looking for validation, you need to quit that. It’s a major attraction killer.)
I am proud of you…
Again, start looking around for what you can be proud of your wife for. Typically, people are proud of other people for their accomplishments, for the things they persevere in, for the struggles they persist in and overcome.
What is your wife struggling with and how is she winning?
“I’m proud of the way you got up early to exercise this morning.”
“I’m proud of you for overcoming the temptation to have that extra dessert at dinner last night.”
It doesn’t have to be a major win. In fact, you should start with small wins. And you tell her in no uncertain terms that you’re proud of her for it. In psychological terms, this is a reward. And that makes the behavior that prompted the reward more likely to happen again. It’s called operant conditioning, and it’s one way we all learn.
So the question is, “What can I find to be proud of my wife for today?”
I believe in you…
This is the other side of the coin as I’m proud of you. You deploy this one when you see your wife trying to do something that is somehow difficult for her.
“I believe that you can get up early and exercise.”
“I believe in you.”
It can be that simple, but voicing your support, in a masculine, direct way like this will do wonders for your wife. It will lend her some of your strength.
“What growth opportunity can I support my wife through today?”
Because that’s what those moments are. Those moments when your wife needs your strength are opportunities for her to grow. And that’s a good great thing. You want your wife to seek out opportunities to grow in a healthy way. Actively showing your support and then praising her efforts (not her results!) will help her cultivate a growth mindset.
So these are the 4 Horseman of a positive healthy relationship with your wife. Remember, it’s not masculine to remain mute. Part of being a good, masculine man is to embody the healthy King energy. And what benevolent kings do is they bless the world. They communicate directly their blessing onto their family and their kingdom.
Kings bless their Queens.